[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Children of the corn 🌽
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
goldfish mafia
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’