You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.