Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
You Might Also Like
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness