I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Get in loser we’re going crying
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
This is me 🤣🤣
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I’m giving up for Lent.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.