Not today.. 😂
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I put the hot in psychotic.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
kids play hide and seek like
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica