bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.