found this cool rock hiking today
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interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.