TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
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Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
That earthquake could have been an email.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.