What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”