Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
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Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
every. time.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!