“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Seems a bit forward
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Raisins are grape jerky.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see