My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
You Might Also Like
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.