11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Who did it better?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.