It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
This hospital has everything
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.