Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
You Might Also Like
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.