[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.