The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Watermelon Boss!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.