Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
You have been warned.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?