Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
A leaf blower, but for people.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.