Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen