[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…