My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
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My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism