Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Not helping
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.