me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
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my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.