[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
You Might Also Like
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?