The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed