The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
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Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Hotels are back
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert