The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]