My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
You Might Also Like
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.