[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich