Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
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The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing