I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!