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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.