If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Harsh but fair
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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