There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
if a cop pulls u over play dead
God making man in his image was the original selfie
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.