My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I love the honesty
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good