I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you