EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played