I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.