Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“i am a sweet baby”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Meow
KFC hitting the cannibal market