guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
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1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When your man makes a valid point
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.