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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Was it something I said?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun