Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.