*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I put the mess in domestic.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.