[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.