My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.