Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
favorite tropes as memes
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?