Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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dogs can find happiness so easily
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.