If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother