“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Never let them know your next move 😂
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Is this a threat?